Your mother-in-law’s well-intentioned advice will drive you mad while your husband pretends he has nothing to do with the whole thing. How to solve this dilemma? The couple’s therapist Dr. Christian Gutschi knows what to do.
My mother-in-law constantly interferes in our relationship. I have repeatedly asked my husband to tell her that this is not okay. Instead of standing behind me, he stays out of the matter. I don’t think that’s okay. What can I do to make him finally do something?
ADVERTISEMENT
“For me, the question is more: what’s wrong with the man that he can’t stand by his wife’s side?” says Gutschi, according to which the issue of differentiation is clearly at stake here. “Of course the woman tries to get the man on her side. After all, she’s part of his new family.” Apparently, however, he does not succeed in distinguishing himself from his family of origin – in this case from his mother. “Some never make it, others only in the course of therapy,” says the expert. So the question is not: How can I get my husband to distance himself from his mother? But: Who is it that can accomplish this task?
If it were up to the woman, this would be the duty of the man, since this is his mother. But because he is simply not able to take this step, the ball is in the woman’s hands – whether she wants it or not. “The only possibility I see is for the mother-in-law’s wife to say very clearly: ‘Up to here and no further!’ Even at the risk of being ‘the bad guy’. But it won’t be any different go,” explains Gutschi. If the woman nevertheless tries to hand over this task to her husband, she runs the risk of provoking a relationship conflict. “That won’t work,” Gutschi puts it in a nutshell.
The conflict as an opportunity
Then it would be better to leave the conflict where it originated: with the man’s family of origin. Of course, this does not have to happen automatically. Perhaps the mother-in-law will accept the newly set boundaries. Apart from that, one has to get rid of the idea that conflicts are inevitably negative. “They often bring new paths to light,” says the psychologist. This process is always challenging for women. Especially when she doesn’t feel supported by her husband. But maybe he can give her the support she wants elsewhere. Almost to create a balance.
But what if not only does the man not get the help he was hoping for, but he even thinks his mother is being treated unfairly by his wife’s intervention? “If the conflict continues in your own relationship, I would recommend couples counseling,” says Gutschi. There are probably other, deeper themes at play here, which – like the problem of demarcation itself – need to be explored. As a rule, however, the man is happy when the woman relieves him of a task that seems almost impossible for him – at least for the moment.
