Being in a relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder is no easy task. But it gets really difficult again when you want to separate from the person concerned. How do I break away from a narcissist? And why is separation often so difficult?
One thing right away: everyone has narcissistic parts in them. Some more, others less, like the Viennese psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. dr Raphael Bonelli explains. Conversely, just because a person isn’t nice doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. This term is used far too lightly these days in relationship matters as a manslaughter argument. There is a clear definition. Basically, the narcissistic personality disorder, which will be discussed later, can be characterized by three essential characteristics: A real narcissist idealizes himself, devalues others, and is always close to himself. “Only he himself is beautiful, only what he says is true, and only what is good for him is good,” the expert puts it in a nutshell.
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No equal partnership
In a relationship, the narcissist behaves dominantly. A partnership at eye level is not desired. After all, you want to think about it, feel more powerful and bigger. Which does not prevent the narcissist – more men than women are actually affected by this disease* – from looking for the most beautiful, here and there also the smartest of all women. He can adorn himself with it and increase his own value. However, if the woman dares to break up with him, the narcissist will shoot from all tubes. “For him, this is an insult to majesty. It is improper and completely unacceptable that the woman wants to separate from him,” said Bonelli. The narcissist is deeply hurt. “That’s why breakups involving a narcissist are often so bloody.”
The narcissist experiences the separation brought about by the woman as a personal defeat. He cannot bear this. And don’t understand either. How can she leave him when he’s the best? According to the motto “You’ll see, you’ll come back”, the separation is simply not acceptable. The man does everything to get his ex-partner back. “Sometimes even just to drop them. Because: A narcissist is not abandoned,” the psychiatrist illustrates the possible reactions of those affected. Things get even more complicated when children are involved. “Sometimes he uses the children, who he doesn’t really care about, as an instrument of power.” Sometimes he tries to ensure that the woman is no longer allowed to see her.
The narcissist is a manipulator
“A real narcissist is unscrupulous. He has no moral values and no inhibitions about lying, stealing, and cheating. Everything is allowed as long as it benefits him. Because he is the highest, and as is well known, the end justifies the means,” notes Bonelli representing the perspective of the patient. It is not uncommon for the so-called gaslight effect to occur in a relationship with a narcissist. “The narcissist deliberately manipulates the partner with false information.” Usually with the intention of creating some freedom – mostly sexual, but sometimes also financial in nature.” The victim becomes increasingly insecure until they finally no longer trust their own perception. They feel very uncomfortable in the partnership, can do that Feeling but not assign a clear reason.
» A true narcissist is unscrupulous. He has no moral values «
In fact, it can take years, even decades, for the victim to figure out this evil game, the consequences of which can range from mental illnesses such as depression or delusional states to entire personality changes. Once the breakup is inevitable, the person who dared to leave the narcissist is completely devalued. There is no insight that it is he who would have to change in order to be able to continue the relationship. And that’s not all: “It’s not uncommon for the narcissist to go through an extreme war of roses, trying to destroy the other.” On a personal, social or financial level. “From psychological terror through phone calls to a wild, contentious divorce to character assassination, everything is possible.”
This is how the separation succeeds
So how can this vicious circle be broken? The expert advocates clear formulations. “Most of the time you’re too nice because you don’t want to hurt the other person. You say, for example, I want us to remain friends. Or: I don’t want you to suffer.” With such formulations, one does not get any further here. Especially not if your partner is a narcissist. You shouldn’t be squeamish and you have to put the decision to want to separate in clear words. In order to emphasize what has been said, it can help to break or at least threaten to break a taboo that the person affected by the narcissistic personality disorder has set up. For example: “If you don’t go, I’ll tell your mother that…”.
Sometimes you can also involve a person in the separation talk that the person concerned doesn’t like very much. If, despite all efforts, the message does not get through to the other party, it is important to bring out the harder artillery. You have to make him understand that you are serious and that you are prepared to take more drastic measures if necessary. “It’s best to say or do something that really hurts him.” If you really want to go through with the separation, consideration in the sense of “It shouldn’t hurt” is out of place. If you catch a sore spot of the narcissist, he eventually manages to detach himself from his partner in his injury. “Better to be a little too coarse than too little clarity.” Because the latter would just unnecessarily prolong the process.
